Yayyy! I've got two new puppies to play with! Shasta had two puppies recently. I named them Pickle and Peanut. I actually watched the birth, too. Pickle is a boy and Peanut is a girl. Aren't they so cute?!
When I was just a kid, all I did was play with my dogs. I didn't worry about how I looked, or why my Momma killed herself. I just wanted to play with my dogs outside. We used to have cows and chickens and stuff, and I'd play with them too, but now it's just my dogs.
And even now, gimme Shasta and Bandit anytime of the day, and I'm happy. I don't know why, but I seem to have more feelings for them than I have for Sims.
I had to choose what I wanted to do as my school project, and I chose to write the one-paged paper on the hurricane and how it made me feel. I couldn't wait to write what I was feeling. And I remember putting that I was scared the most to lose my dogs, Bandit and Shasta. I ran out into the heavy winds and rains, back into our old farm looking for them, and my Daddy couldn't find me. I have never seen him that upset, he was crying and screaming my name! Sims were trying to hold him back. He thought he had lost me. And I thought about my Momma and how we lost her, and maybe that had something to do with why he acted like he did. Maybe that is why I feel so lost sometimes. And I poured all that out into my paper.
When I called Miss Wise to get my grade and see if I passed to Secondary or not...she told me that I was the first student to choose to write the paper, and that she had never read so much feelings in words. I passed with flying colors. She was extremely proud of me and wondered if I would consider taking journalism. I told her that kind of writing wasn't what I liked to do...I write poetry and rap songs.
I'm getting better at it, the older I get.
I practice in my room alot. My Daddy bought me the new Brutha CD and I rap over some of their songs.
I started feeling like I was ready to show my stuff...like I needed to perform. So I just sneak out the house when nobody's looking. I don't tell my parents; I take the truck and I go to The Cage. They've got open mic there. I don't want them knowing I'm performing like this. Do you know my parents?! They would mess it all up for me! First of all me being out at a club, where there's drinking...then me driving at night by myself, and without asking. I'd be locked in my room for the rest of my life! And, I'm not trying to do this as a career, but they wouldn't understand that. They wouldn't understand that this is like therapy for me.
My career is another story. I've always had bigger plans for my career. The thing I want to do is be in the Military. Just like my Momma. I have a picture of Momma wearing her military uniform, and I've always wanted to rock that look.
I'll never forget how quiet Miss Wise got on the phone, when I told her what I really wanted to be, and why. It felt like she had heard all the bad things about my Momma, and wasn't sure if she should lecture me about it, or what.
I told Mom about it after I hung up. (Kimberly has always been a Mom to me, so I call her 'Mom'.) She told me not to think of it that way. "Some Sims don't know how to respond when they know that a Sim has lost someone they love. And your situation is unique. Your mother was a Founder. That in itself is an honor, and something you should be very proud of. So, I can understand why you would want to finish something your mother started."
Wow. I never thought of it like that. But from then on, it's become my mission...to fix what my Momma did wrong. I can't help but feel angry sometimes that she left me, without caring about what would happen to me. Sometimes I get angry that Kim is here and not her.
I just don't feel like being bothered with any of them, sometimes. I see how they expect so much from me, but at the same time...they baby my brother. Mom tries to say it's because I got my period that I'm so moody. Maybe it's because they don't ever leave me alone?!
When I was little, I remember they would wake me up before the sun came up to do chores. I always hated that because I love to sleep. I have the hardest time waking up in the morning. I would be so tired going to school.
Now, I wake up because I know it's my chore to bathe the dogs before school. And I want my dogs to be clean and smell good. Sometimes I get up before the sun comes up, and sometimes I don't. But I always look at my Momma's picture, 'cause I got it right there at my bedside. And it motivates me to do what I gotta do.
It takes me 2 hours to get ready for school after I've done my chores. I have to have time to do my hair and put my makeup on before the school bus comes. That takes like all morning! I need to look good, ok? What's so bad about that?!
I even try to have a quiet breakfast before everybody storms the kitchen. I just don't have much to say to them in the mornings. I'm focused on my day at school. I try to tell them, "I'll talk to you guys at dinner tonight...leave me alone."
And when I come home, we have dinner like a family. It's not like I'm trying to separate myself all the time. I just have my moments when I want to talk to my family and when I don't. I'd rather come home and talk to them about school, 'cause I'm good at studying and making good grades. That's what they like to hear.
I just try to find a place in the house I can go to where there's quiet, but there's no such thing here. I thought maybe hiding out in their room, they'd never know to look in there, but all they do is just scream my name, "Sieeerrraaa!!!" "Come do this...or I need you to do that..."
Calgon take me away...LOL! I went and got a job, that'll keep me out of the house, and I won't have to sneak.
I just feel so different now! There's no other way to put it. I admit that I've gotten weird, but I'm allowed to say that, not anybody else. My personality did seem to change overnight after my teen birthday.
Maybe this journal will help me put my life in perspective because I'm so scared of what I might do. I just want to feel close to somebody...to feel some kind of emotion. I have these urges all the time to just go out and hang out with boys, and do whatever else they want to do.
It kinda started when I came home and saw my Mom and Dad gettin' busy on the cootie couch in the livingroom. EWWW much?!
They didn't even stop! And that got me to wondering how it feels...ewww. Mom was making all these noises I've never heard before. I'm gonna stop right there, 'cause that is just GROSS. I'm not ready to put all my thoughts on blast!
But I will tell you this...last night I dreamt that Elmer came over here and snuck up to my room and did all this nasty stuff to me. I couldn't go back to sleep. LOL! Gossssh, he is so cute to me.
Elmer came over here one simday 'cause I had to see him. He brought his buddy Rashid. *rolls eyes* I think Rashid thinks he's like the finest thing ever, 'cause he tries to act all cool. He needs to quit 'cause he goes with Elmer's sister! Plus, I don't like Rashid like that. I was liking how Elmer was looking. He's all Latino and everything..LOL! He's all cultural and everything. LOL! And I feel something when I'm with him. It's a feeling I've never had before.
We hang out all the time, me and Elmer. Maybe he'll ask me out one simday? I hope he doesn't wait 'til prom. Or I'll have to ask myself, if he's too slow.